Remember the power of your silence

I was at the NSC conference in San Diego last week and someone approached me with a question regarding the critically important skill of listening. It seems this executive has been struggling with this skill herself and has noticed that her team has the same challenge.  In her case, she was courageous enough to describe a costly mistake that she personally attributed to poor listening. 

“It is hard to listen when your lips are moving.”  Many of us were lucky enough to hear these words of wisdom (or something close to them) early in our careers.  They speak directly to the all important issue of listening. Listening is without question the most important leadership skill and it should represent +80% of your communication.

When some senior executives think about communication, they have visions of standing at the podium for the big meeting or presenting to the board, financial analysts, or any number of other important groups.  In these forums, the executive’s speaking abilities are showcased. “Wow she can really captivate the crowd” or “He can really think on his feet”.  These are great compliments; but there are better ones like: “she asks great questions” or “he listens to my every word and makes me feel like I’m the most important person in the world”.

Great leaders recognize the power of their silence.  They live to ask good questions and listen intently.  They also understand the deep impact listening has on every individual they encounter.  They know that great listening defines great leadership.

Listening skills can be learned.  They relate closely to understanding and honoring your role as a leader.  Great leaders are great coaches.  A leader’s role is to help the team get to the best answer…not come up with the answer.  When the leader forgets this, you can be assured that lips are moving more than they should.  Unintentionally, the leader has abandoned being a coach and in the process, confused his/her people.

You can read books, look at videos, go to seminars and use other learning aids to improve your listening skills.  Here is another simple tactic.  When your lips are moving, ask yourself if you are being a player or a coach and remember the power of your silence.

Approval vs. Respect

In the The Tao Te Ching, roughly translatable as The Book of the Way and its Virtue (written around 600 BC),  Taoist sage Laozi dispenses a simple bit of wisdom: “Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner.”  These are strong words about a human tendency we all need to guard against.

In business, we sometimes forget that respect is much more important than approval. There is a kid inside all of us and when someone in authority or influence approves of us, we feel good.  Perhaps we made a good decision or hit an important goal.  That is human, positive, and understandable.

Unfortunately approval can also be addictive.  In an attempt to get that “approval rush,” some executives find themselves looking for ways to “score points” with those around them.  It becomes their singular purpose.

While this approval seeking may reduce insecurity, it actually results in a loss of power.  External approval becomes the only way to feel good; plans, actions, and decisions become consciously or unconsciously biased towards securing that approval.  High stress situations usually make this tendency worse.

Respect is different.  Respect is about having the internal fortitude to feel good about your leadership, even when others in power positions disagree with you.  It is about being held in high regard because of your innate abilities, overall track record, and courage.  It is paradoxical that when you stop caring about approval, respect often increases.

Approval seeking is normal.  It has been with all of us since we were children. Don’t underestimate its allure; it can creep in unnoticed and brutal honesty is the only antidote. 

By questioning your motivations regarding a given course of action, and testing your true objectives against real business priorities, you can avoid the “approval trap.”   By doing so you'll be able to stand behind all of your decisions--regardless of what others may think-- because that is what true leadership is all about!

To your success, 

Tim Stratman

Highlight photos from the CSCMP Annual Global Conference in San Diego - September 26 and 27 2010

Highlight photos from my appearance at the the
CSCMP Annual Globla Conference in San Diego
September 26 and 27, 2010